I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
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I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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