Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
