saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
