im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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