I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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