I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
