i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
