I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
