plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
