So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize