Your dad touched me again.
I just threw up on my dentist
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
