The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
