She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
