why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
