I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
