sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
