Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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