Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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