there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
