Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way