I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.