Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever