My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
