Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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