mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Quick, to the slutcave!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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