MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
