Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
