I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
