He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
