1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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