careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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