the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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