ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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