I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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