Umm I'm too high to move.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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