she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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