I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
