Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
