apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He shit in the fireplace
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My life is pants optional.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
