I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
