Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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