we're chasing vodka with high fives
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
