I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
