Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
