I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
