last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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