1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
