I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
