His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
