forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
