those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
