I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
