if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
