I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
