Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
