What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
