Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
