Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
