he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
