i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
