I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a blender
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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